Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Okay...the abyss still has me...

I just thought I was back.  It wasn't really a technical abyss I was in after all, but more of a spiritual, physical and mental abyss.  I've told those of you before that have read my blog that springtime is not the best of times for me.  Here on top of the rocky mesa the wind blows hard and non stop for months.  That, coupled with almost 8 months of no rain and then one of the largest wildfires in Texas history, has made me a little blah.  Oh, and my garden has failed miserably!  My husband gets a bit irritated that I keep pumping money into a futile obsession, but he has no idea how much gardening means to me.  Gardening makes me happy. When it doesn't work because of high winds, a drought, plagues of grasshoppers and roaming varmints, I'm drawn in to a bit of a depression. 

This is what most of the Davis Mountains area of Texas looks like now

This is why I haven't even stepped foot in to this blog in months.  I don't have really have anything fun or inspirational to say and no one wants to log on to a Debbie Downer blog and read some housewife whining.  But I am failing miserably at Everything.  I've even ditched homeschooling so that my kids can go part time to the private school in town.  Yes, I'm willing to drive an hour each way so that my kids can actually learn something from someone else other than me!  If I can't grow tomatoes, then how in the world can someone expect me to teach my children to read.

I know so many of you also struggle with the same feelings of inadequacy.  Those feelings seem to come with the territory if you're putting alot of effort in to being a good wife and mother.  It would be easier to be one of those moms who sit their kids down in front of Sponge Bob with some Doritos and a Mountain Dew while you smoked and watched soaps in your bedroom (not that there's anything wrong with that).  But if you're putting 100 percent in to your family, it's easy to put too much pressure on yourself.  Ask any homeschooling mother about pressure....

But I love my blogging community.  Sometimes I need to be the one that finds inspiration in another's words and I need to take a rest from my own expectations.  I've had to admit to myself lately that it is hard to be so remote, even though I'm probably more prepared for this life than most.  It is hard to home school, even though I absolutely love it.  And it is hard to have a garden in the desert when the devil birds are stalking your squash seedlings and the javelinas eat your tomato plants.  I just keep praying and remembering...

give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

(if I had a picture of a cute fuzzy kitten I would put it here)

9 comments:

Shawn (Ranchermom) said...

Hang in there, Girl!! Ranch life is tough, especially in these circumstances. This drought might do us in so I feel your pain. Im sitting in front of a pile of bills right now that i should be paying...instead Im reading blogs...can you say "procrastination??" ugh!! You live an awesome life that most NEVER get to experience. Nothing wrong with your kids being in school OR a failed garden...Stay strong and know you have friends her who truely "get it!"

westoftexas said...

Shawn,

Thank you! You are always so sweet. Sometimes you just have to gripe. Isn't it funny how the lack of rain makes us grouchy? We should meet sometime this summer (maybe in the big city of Sanderson?) and commiserate with each other.

Rachel said...

I could gripe too. And, yes, being dry doesn't help anything, we need rain, or cattle will be leaving, and that makes me sad. But, yes, things like this happen, and we go on.
Keep your chin up, there is nothing wrong with the way things go, it's all in God's hands. :)

Tales from the Ranch said...

Don't feel bad I have been in the same place over the last month. New Mexico is just as dry. It is hard to be a ranch wife and mom. I homeschool our two girls along with going to school myself and helping out on the ranch. It is a lot to take on and there are times that you do just want to throw up your hands and hide your head.
We will be praying for rain to you and for your garden to take off and produce. I garden too and there is just something about the time spent on it that calms a soul.

Crystal Cattle said...

Don't worry things will turn around. Some one once told me that God never gives us anything that he knows we can't handle. Living in that environment is hard. I feel for all the ranchers and farmers, agriculture sure isn't easy. Thing will turn around. They have too, we are supposed to feed everyone!
www.crystalcattle.com

mountain mama said...

first of all, you are NOT a faluire {sp?} we all go through blah seasons. here i am back in the city and i have no idea what to do!! i miss the solitude and mountains.

please don't be hard on yourself...every day is a new day. we do the best we can and none of us are perfect. and i'm pretty sure no one {not even my landscaper husband} could have grown a garden in that environment!

so sorry your emails didn't make their way to me. please try again if you have the time.
mountainmamablog@yahoo.com

a big hug. if we're ever in texas i'll let you know...we could you a new adventure, it would be fun to meet! =)

God bless you and your lovely family~

Michelle (She Looketh Well) said...

Wow, it never ceases to amaze me that the enemy speaks (screams) the same lies to woman all over the world! Ugh! He makes me so mad.

Get with your Father and His word, I bet you will hear another story. If you don't, the devil is still screaming at ya! Praying for you today, I understand. {{{hugs}}}

Jennifer Dawn McLucas said...

"(not that there's anything wrong with that)"

LOL! You crack me up! I am visiting your blog today via Titus 2sdays on the Time-Warp Wife. I could not pass up your blog title & that beautiful photo! I live in SW Washington where most people have been complaining about having too much rain. Personally, I love being water logged (there's no such thing as too much rain!), I can't imagine living someplace so dry... Still, it makes for some spectacular photos. Isn't it just amazing the way God put so much variety into one little tiny speck of a planet!?! Remember, it's impossible to be grouchy when you're praising God. ;) Keep blogging so that we can stand in faith together.

Father in Heaven, Thank you for my new friend. Bless her Lord. Send her a spiritual flood so that she feels renewed and refreshed. I pray that you would soak through any dry areas in her heart, mind, and soul. Fill her with thanksgiving for all the ways that you have proven your faithfulness. Thank you for the way you bless her children and husband through her. Thank you for using her to bless those that read her blog. Thank you for loving her the way only you can. You are a mighty and holy God. We are in awe of you. Thank you for your continued love and mercy. Thank you for every good and perfect gift- You are so faithful to always give us what we really need. Thank you for calling us to deeper faith through our trials. You are so good to us. In Jesus name, Amen.

Blue Cotton Memory said...

I learned there is a time and a season God calls us to - for things like homeschooling, or gardening. I'm hoping for a garden next year. I never imagined living without a bunch of tomato plants! Apparently, you are entering a new season! I hope it is a joy-filled, exciting season - with a thriving garden!